Forever

We met, we loved, and then you said "Friends."
I said "Goodbye," then "Hello," then finally my heart found the end.
Or so I thought until I saw you again.

Seeing you again opened me up inside.
Seeing you again, it made me again find
the place in my soul where you'll always be.
It's a place that no one else has managed to see.

Still I'll live without you, as long as that's what you want.
I'll go on living, and try to have fun.
But I'll miss you so, every moment that I live.
And just so you know, still anything I'd give.

You're happy now, with him, it seems.
If you're happy, then that's how it should be.
If you're happy, please, keep living without me.
But if you ever want what we once had;
if you ever decide you want me back;
all you have to do is ask.

Until then, or forever, I'm here as a friend.
I'll be here, however you need me, until forever ends.

-Jeffrey Grimm Blake, January 20, 1999

Someday

It seems that you're gone.
It seems that we're through.
It seems I might finally be getting over you.

It seems I'd be happy.
It seems I'm okay.
It seems like today should have been a great day.

A wise man once said:
"Life's not always as it seems."
And now this may very well be true.
For I sit, and I wonder: do I still miss you?
I find I can't answer.
I find I don't know.
I find that I wonder:
Do I still love you so?

If I did see you;
If we did speak;
Would my feelings return,
or would they stay weak?

Should I live there,
or should I stay here?
And if I did move,
would we hold each other dear?

These questions I ask, as I think and I ponder.
These thoughts I do feel as I sit and I wonder.

How shall I decide?
It will determine my life.
How can I know?
You have such influence over how it could go.

Someday I'll know.
Someday I'll decide.
Someday I'll be able to take control of my life.
Someday the door will reopen.
Someday I will love.
Someday I'll be happy.

When will Someday come?

-Jeffrey Grimm Blake, December 5, 1998

Hello

"Goodbye," I said, as I cried.
Now, I sigh.
I know I lied.

I can't take life this far from you.
I can't keep thinking that our love was true.
While I was there, I felt nothing,
so why is it that now you mean everything?

Every word I hear, every thought I feel,
all of it makes me remember.
You were. We were. Our love was.
Real.

What I have with her, it's just a joke.
You left, and she was the easiest way
I could try to pick up the pieces.

Now, I think back to the night we last spoke.
My heart was hurting, but not for you.
Then, you showed yourself. You came through.
We talked so long, though short it was.
Maybe my love for you came back because
you were so great, there when I needed.
Now what I really want is total loss of memory,
or someone who can make me recompleted.

"Goodbye," I said.
Sometimes I want to kick my ass.
I don't want to leave you.
I still want you back.

-Jeffrey Grimm Blake, November 26, 1998

Goodbye

Your email said you've had a bad day.
Those few are the only words you say.
So little, these words; everyone has bad days.
But yet, to me, there's more that they say.

They say to me "come, try to help."
And all I want is to help.
A bad day for you, that's all that it was.
But to comfort you is all that I want.
To make you feel better, to see you smile,
for that I'd walk a thousand miles.

Your emails always seem this short.
But to me they always mean much more.
Every word flies straight to my heart,
and so, my love, I must depart.

I want you so much. I love you so bad.
In the end all it does is just make me sad.

To have you out of my life would spare so much pain.
It seems there's so much, from that to gain.
I'll miss you so!
And I don't want to see you go,
'cause in my heart I'm sure I know
that you're there forever, a strong part of me,
and that won't end just because you leave.

Yet every word we speak, every thought I feel,
it all just makes you remain real.
And if you're out there, having you not here hurts.

So there is a point to all these words.
I've decided that I
have no choice but to say goodbye.

Soon the pain I feel right now will end,
and hopefully your memory won't rise again.
Goodbye my love, goodbye my friend.
God, let my heart heal! Let me feel! - again!

-Jeffrey Grimm Blake, November 4, 1998

Despondency

Once, the image of you made me glad.
I, then, had something to dispell the sad.
Now it seems, all hope is gone,
for you, I know, have moved on.

It's over now, and yes, we're through,
but what I want to know is if this depression was caused by you.
Did it start somewhere from before we met,
or is it a sign that I love you yet?

Her face could aid, at least, that's how it seems.
The only problem is that it won't come clearly into mind.
So I'll sigh, and cry, but not unwind.
At least I can be happy in my dreams.

But so often, I lie awake.
This pain, this life, I just can't take.
Death would work, but I won't die.
I still can't turn my promise to a lie.

Corner after corner, turn after turn,
I go through life and each day burns.
Everything, all of it, just a daze of pain,
and it leaves me with no one - nothing - to blame.

I do what I can, I try what I may,
but nothing helps on days like today.
These words I've said emerged from my very soul.
This melancholy, it seems, seeps from the same hole.
As of yet, I know not what else to do,

so, for aid, I (in vain) try still to think of you.

-Jeffrey Grimm Blake, November 3, 1998

Sunsets

To me, the most beautiful thing in nature is most definitely a sunset. After analyzing a sunset, it's not too hard to see why it is the most beautiful. There's meaning behind the beauty. A sunset is made up of three main colors. These are pink (of the clouds being struck by the setting sun), blue (of the sky), and red (of the setting sun itself). Pink is often a color representing girls. Blue most often represents boys. Red is undisputably the color of passion. So, the most beautiful thing in nature is representative of the passion between girls and boys. This could be easily interpretted as love, which is the most beautiful in existence. However, once you take away the passion, love isn't so wonderful. If you proceed to take away the girl, love loses very much of its appeal, as it is no longer love. It's just one person, wishing for a beautiful thing that used to be. Who could appreciate a sunset without a sun or clouds? No one. Once the sun sets, it's over, and the sky moves into a new stage of life until the sun once again shines into its presence.

-Jeffrey Blake, 8-17-98

Suicide?

Suicide? My love, I think not.
Life's the one thing in this world that I've got.
For if to death I in fact began,
I'd be choosing to never take your hand.

And then a month down the road,
when a new direction your choice could go,
I would have lost the love and the life.
For after death you couldn't be my wife.

Or next year, if your heart someone did break,
I wouldn't be there to try to take his place.
Or two years from now, when I could in fact find
that MU was the best choice for an education mine,
if I were dead, together we could not be,
from Heaven or Hell, I would pity me.

Or ten years henceforth, when a computer company great
needs the lead programmer to take
charge of a company in a town
where you just happened to hang around,
were I not there, all wouldn't be right.

And so, my love, I look forward to life.

Jeffrey Blake, June 11, 1998

Friends

Death, it wouldn't be so unwelcome at a time such as this.
But then, that too is not to be,
as I have promised one such as she.
And to her I cannot lie.
So, alas, I will not die.

Here I sit and wish for her sweet kiss.
One thing of many that I'll miss.
And yet alone, I'm truly not,
for friends we'll be as sure as lovers not.
Somehow sometimes this thought does help,
as I ponder whether to kill myself.

At times like now it doesn't hurt.
I almost pray for times that are worse.
For in these moments, emotions lax,
my soul is empty. I'm made of wax.

I long for her touch, but there's just a memory.
Perhaps someday, with peace, that too will cease to be,
but for now I wish only for her, here,
and the joy of her being near.

I cannot sleep. I cannot eat.
She is all I feel I need.
For a short time we were engaged, last March,
and yet this June she broke my heart.

Friends it is she wants to be.
"Friends," it would be so hard for me.
So much more is what I feel.
I hope in time my heart will heal.

And yet also, I hope it won't.
For if infact her mind does change,
my love for her will seem less strange.
So I live from day to day,
and I wonder if everything must stay this way.

-Jeffrey Grimm Blake, June 10, 1998